A Dissection Of The American Bladder

A blog that reaches deep into the bowels of America.

19 January 2007

Firenze: Volume 1

Probably the best thing I've read in the past year or so is the Syracuse University in Florence's (SUF) Student-to-Student Personal Safety Handout. But I'll let you be the judge.

Cautionary Tale 1: Girls

It was the first couple of weekends here in Florence, and I was walking home at around 12 or 1 at night. I didn't want to walk all the way by myself, so a friend offered to walk me half-way. Half way was right near the school, and so we were standing on the sidewalk, talking, when a woman on a bicycle came up to us and said something really quickly in Italian. I responded by saying that I didn't understand. Just then a man on a moped approached us, reached out, and grabbed my friend. We both back away, realizing that he was completely exposed, whereupon he immediately ejaculated. My friend and I grabbed each other's hands and started running to a main street. The man on the moped followed us, but when we reach the main street he drove off...I was shaking.

The reaction to this pamphlet was enormous and with good reason. Though I think generally, the reason was misplaced. Girls were abhorred and terrified by it. They complained this story was never in the packet of information sent to them by SUF prior to being in Florence. They worried about walking around the city, even with a group, because they may be ejaculated upon. But to only look at the disgusting and illegal, is to entirely miss the point of the story. What I think they miss is the incredible ability of a man, on a moped, in public, to have such control. This is Buddhist Monk control. He's the Michael Jordan of exposers, in my book. I can barely pee in public, let alone time my ejaculation up so that it coincides with me exposing myself to foreign girls on the street. Yes, it is disgusting and absurd, but bravo to the sketchy, semi-insane man who can pull this off.

Though it's not only girls who need to be on the look out in Firenze, guys also must be aware of awkwardly sexual predators. Another excerpt from the same pamphlet:

Cautionary Tale 2: Guys

One night a group us, guys and girls, went out to a discotheque. We were all dancing on the dance floor in a big group. There were a group of other men dancing on the dance floor beside us. One of the guys walked over to my guy friend and put out his hand, as if he wanted a high five. My guy friend put out his hand to slap him five and the guy reach down and grabbed my friend's crotch! We decided to ignore them, not knowing whether this was an attempt to put the moves on my guy friend, or if it was an attempt to fight.

I'm not sure what the big deal is here. This happens about 40-50 times a day at Central Catholic High School (Bow your heads please). It's called balltap at Central, a shvartzinoodle in others. I'm not sure whether the man was trying to "put the moves" on her guy friend or it was an attempt to fight, but I'd say he was just saying "Vat's up!" or "Think fast!" Going to an elite all-male high school, if one ignores something - one usually gets it worse. So what I would have done is wait for him to get comfortable, perhaps order a drink and relax with his friends. Then I'd sneak in from behind, yell "Caio," and reciprocate the fake with the left hand, shvartzinoodle with the right hand gesture. I'm sure he'd pull out a package of Mentos and we would look at the camera and sheepishly smile shrugging out shoulders in acceptance.

This is all for now, but I have a lot to important subjects to cover over the next three and half months: the relationship between dog poop on the side walk and color of the sidewalk. I'm convinced there is a correlation. Until then, stay cool and out of the way of ejaculating exposers.



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